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MOV888410002/04/1 Ps3 Move Eye Usb Extension Cable-Video Game Accessories
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Resolved Question: Any reason I should want to keep living like this?
I don't even know where to start...*sigh*
I used to suffer from chronic depression, insomnia, and attention deficit disorder. I still suffer from post traumatic stress disorder and occassional depression. Growing up, from the age of 9 to th age of 19 I wanted to die/kill myself. When I was 12, the anime show Inuyasha literally saved my life. I made my first friends because of that show, and it gave me something to look forward to in my lonely miserable existence. Albeit the friends only lasted a year...but who's counting.
Growing up, I dealt with a lot of things, from mentally and physically abusive parents, teachers who would publicly humiliate me, punish me for things I didn't do, and joined the kids in picking on me. Bullying from other students as well as physical violence, sexual attacks....as well as rape...which I've only told a few people about. It was a constant hell growing up in my life from the age of 5 (the first time I got raped, as well as being brainwashed into thinking iI was gay until I turned 12) to 19 (where I got accused of making a hitlist, publicly humiliated by the police, and got sh*t on by the student body, even after I proved I didn't do it...I was out sick when it supposedly happened). Not to mention my lovely goodbye speach 'good riddance fag'). Also not to mention the many...many attempts on my life...(I've almost died over 75 times...and the last time I counted I was 16....I've almost died 4 more times this past year. I have no idea how many in the four years since I counted) For example, the only girlfriend I had tried to kill me. Now I'll admit I was an annoying kid, but I didn't deserve what I got...
So I finally get out of High School, and I finally start to make some friends. I learn to open up a bit. I get a job, I get a house, I start having a real social life. I finally start enjoying life a little bit and gaining a bit of respect for myself. Until last year...when a girl from my past came into my life and I...actually felt happy for the first time in my life...for five days...and then all hell broke loose. I've lost everything I never had, I've lost my job, I'm going to lose my house, my car is on the verge of breaking down, the situation with that girl turned me into an @sshole,(not blaming her, it just did...refer to my other question 'Is there a way to start over') and now I'm not even the same guy anymore to my friends. No one cares about me, my parents openly say that I'm a monster that ruins the lives of the people around him and destroys everything I touch (believe me...saying this was their only gift to me on my 21st birthday), I'm gaining a ton of weight, around 300 pounds now, and I literally have nothing to live for...I'm basically a recluse who watches movies, anime, and plays video games with no purpose in life, as no one will ever hire me again after having been fired ffrom two jobs...which neither of them were my fault (car failures with one I went through 3 cars. Rumors and false accusations in the other.) I've almost died at 4 of the jobs I've worked at so far. (for example the farm I worked on while I was looking for a better job, I got silo gas inhalation, which gave me pneumonia, and shut down my lung. I had to drive to the hospital myself and they said if I had gotten there any later I would have died...my other lung would have shut down...)
I have the worst luck with relationships, I can't hold a job for my life, I'm starting to agree with my parents about what kind of creature I am, I'm living off of food stamps and my cousins rent money which won't cover the mortgage, and I really don't see anything changing any time soon espescially after 22 years of hell, espescially after one brief moment of happiness that ended up only making my life worse.
Now I'm not suicidal right now. Haven't been for quite some time. (get the notion at times though) but I honestly want to know, what reason do I have to keep going like this? Can anyone give me a honestly good reason to want to keep living like this? Believe me, no one would care for very long if I was gone. Not many would care at all.
Also, due to the accident on the farm, I am suffering from memory problems/loss. The doctors can't find anything wrong with me though, and they say it was probably from the lack of oxygen to my brain for the 8 hours I worked without being able to breath. When I do a job, I put everythig I have into it. And I couldn't work there anymore because every time I went there after that I physically got sick for days on end.
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